Interview: Mental Health Awareness with Deborah Friend Wilson

While Can Can is proud to be a haven of acceptance, support, and connection for all members of our family, we cannot ignore the intensity of the industry we experience day in and day out. Just beneath the surface of the glimmering world of the guest-facing hospitality industry and the captivating allure of the performing arts, there is an ongoing battle to put well-being and mental health at the forefront when it is far too often shoved into the shadows.

Recognizing the vital need for a healthy and mindful working environment, Can Can has embarked on a journey to prioritize the mental health of our employees both on and off the stage. At the helm of this transformative initiative is Deborah Friend Wilson, a distinguished mental health leadership and wellness coach.

In this exclusive interview, Deborah shares her insights, experiences, and strategies in supporting mental health awareness within the performing arts and hospitality industries, shedding light on the importance of self-care, mindfulness, and empowering individuals to navigate the unique challenges they face daily.

Read on to learn more.

THECANCAN.COM: Can you tell us about what it is you do as a mental health and wellness educator and advocate and how you found yourself in this role?

Deborah Friend Wilson: I'm a mental health leadership and wellness coach for people who work in the guest-facing hospitality industry. I help restaurants and, in Can Can’s case, performing arts groups learn how to build connections and emotionally integrate stronger cultures that are based on trust and emotional safety. I work with organizations to build programs to foster that kind of connectivity, as well as train people on a variety of mental health issues. I also work with individuals on a one-on-one coaching basis as the organization needs.

I used to have a PR and marketing agency earlier in my career, and then I transitioned and went back to school to be a mental health counselor. I’m also married to a James Beard Award-winning chef, Jason Wilson, and together we own and manage a fine dining restaurant and upscale speakeasy in Bellevue, WA. So, I know what I'm talking about. Debbie laughs. Jason is very much in the culinary spotlight, on the industry side and also with guests. The pressure is always on to behave a certain way.

Having experienced all of this first-hand, I have this dream that we would create Wellness Certified restaurants – similar to sustainable seafood restaurants, for instance – where the structure is based on respect, communication, and self-care. These are things that we should learn in grade school, but we don't. Not everybody learns sound communication. So, if we can catch people at their job, it can have a big impact. It ups the game of the quality of work that we're all doing together. And people do leave, right? It's a transient industry; you can be a server at one place and move on after a year. But, if we teach these practices, people can take them to their next job. It starts to spread. These are learned skills just like touch typing and using Chat GTP; this is a language of emotional literacy that you can take everywhere you go. The coolest part, I think, is that you then get to take it home to your families and your relationships.

THECANCAN.COM: Why is there so much stigma around mental health in the restaurant/service industry? What needs to change?

Deborah Friend Wilson: Historically, the media and general population have actually come to glorify abusive chef culture. There's the shouting Gordon Ramsey chef or Anthony Bourdain, who unfortunately committed suicide; it was devastating for so many, but it ended up going down as some sort of legend. There are movies like The Menu or shows like The Bear, which in many strange ways glorify this culture of an abusive, aggressive, dog-eat-dog working style. All of this certainly hasn't done anything to promote emotional safety in the hospitality industry. These are working conditions that a lot of other industries would absolutely find intolerable but are somehow fodder for entertainment in popular culture.

And you said earlier, you didn't know that this kind of work existed. The truth of it is, I don't really know anybody else who has a consulting practice that is so specifically focused on this industry as mine. It is staggering to me that it doesn't exist because almost anybody that worked in the service industry has some kind of a horror story about it. Whether it's, “That's the first time I tried drugs and alcohol.” Or, “I was sexually harassed and treated poorly by guests.” Whatever it is, it is just so accepted in the industry. It's time that people do something about it.

In the academic world of psychology, we would call this occupational stigma. A lot of people will say they don’t like working in restaurants because society doesn’t see it as a “real job.” Parents will say to their college students working in restaurants and bars, “Oh, when are you gonna get a real job? You're just a server.” But so many people make their lifelong careers in hospitality. I think it's time that we all confront this occupational stigma as a society and say, “Look, this is a well-known, centuries-old tradition and academic discipline. There are beautiful and amazing schools that teach it, and it is real.”

THECANCAN.COM: On a similar note, how can the performing arts industry shift its perspective to better promote performer well-being?

Deborah Friend Wilson: There was a really great study put out by the National Institute of Mental Health in 2022. The study found that people working in entertainment and performing arts are twice as likely than the general population to experience depression and anxiety. It’s a staggering statistic, and it's not just a stereotype or a cliche. This is an industry where people are suffering twice as much, especially since COVID.

There are many theorized reasons behind this: work-life balance issues, the odd hours, the extreme rehearsal times, the late-night performances, the lack of sleep, and, overall, the lack of a supportive mental health community around those individuals. As a result, there are higher rates of substance abuse, whether it be going out for drinks after work or using substances to help you even perform better. We see a lot of eating disordered behaviors, body image issues, body positivity issues, and sexual identity issues. There are also a lot of people who don't have access to professional treatment because of the expense. In addition, because of the high population of marginalized individuals in the performing arts, there are higher rates of domestic violence and substance abuse in the LGBTQ+ community and in different minority groups. This is all a really important mental health emergency within the whole industry. I just wanted to paint that picture; it is being scientifically uncovered more and more that this particular population is in critical need of support. It's really important.

The interesting thing about being a performer is that there is a wonderful sense of community and connection with the people that you perform with. There is a flow of energy where everybody goes through this experience together. It's incredibly bonding in a positive way. It's also bonding in a not-so-positive way. Trauma bonding can occur with a “we rise and fall together” mindset, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

In addition, performers can be really good at taking “psychic flights.” This could sound like, “I'm going to step out of my reality and step into this role for this performance.” It's the mark of a good performer, but it, unfortunately, is also a characteristic that can lead to a decrease in mental health because mental health is rooted in staying connected and honest with yourself. So, if you're really good at becoming something different than reality, like a performer often does, you have to do extra care and work to make sure that you are balanced and grounded. There is this expectation from the people around you, especially audiences, who are constantly giving you feedback. You’re constantly hearing, “I need you to be funny! I need you to be beautiful! Be sexy! Be anything but real!” And the more disconnected we get from our real authentic selves, the more prone we are to experiencing mental health issues.

People often prefer to be happy all the time, but we all need to feel pain and sadness and suffering and embarrassment and anxiety and all the other millions of emotions. Happiness is just one of the hundred things we could be feeling at once, and we need to have the mindfulness skills to allow those other emotions to take up space within us so that they don't lead to neurosis or a disordered way of coping. Educators like myself can teach that skill. It's like going to the gym. It's a practice that you get better and better at. We just started the work at Can Can, but already it's been an amazing group to work with; I find people there to be so interested and enthusiastic about learning these processes.

In terms of what folks can do about it, like in the case of Can Can, for instance, having an organization’s leadership acknowledge this mental health crisis, not through only words but also through action, is crucial. Hiring educators and advocates like myself to do work within an organization on this issue is probably the most important thing that any business can do in the performing arts. It is not just to tell their people, “Hey, make sure that you take good care of yourself,” but to actually look at their own infrastructure and put into place the mechanisms that will help promote a healthy lifestyle for their people.

THECANCAN.COM: What can self-care look like during a work day — whether that be tableside, on a stage, or even in an office?

Deborah Friend Wilson: People can take advantage of the programs that their employer hopefully has in place. If their employer doesn't have them in place, people should say something to their managers and try to get them in place.

What do I mean by programs? For example, there should be a space in every office, restaurant, or performing arts center that is something like a “wellness room.” So, a physical, safe space where you can get off the floor, get out of the situation, and sit quietly to collect yourself. It might just be stepping outside or around a corner, but it should be a designated space.

I also think that if your workplace can provide a pre-service or a preshow moment for a mindfulness exercise as a group or as individuals on a daily basis, it will be hugely impactful. You can think of it as preventative mental care. If you ground yourself before you do the work, you don't have such a staticky, high swell of negative emotion and anxiety.

Another important tool is meditation. You will be able to rewire your brain; it’s like muscle memory. If you're in the practice of meditating and you have an issue at work, your brain will recognize how to get back to that centered place, especially if you're in a daily habit of doing it. For example, as an individual, some people will do a morning gratitude routine where they list three things they're grateful for every morning.

There's a lot of interesting data about the positive impact of establishing other hobbies or habits that are totally separate from work, especially something that uses a different part of your mind. People take up painting, or maybe you have a jogging buddy, or you do a hip-hop class. It could be anything. For me, it's animals. I'm a horseback rider. It is an activity that totally takes me out of my immediate world and focuses my mind elsewhere.

A huge thing that we're doing at Can Can is teaching emotional literacy, which gives people the ability to express how they're really feeling. Right now, if you asked me, “How are you feeling?” I could easily be like, “Oh, I'm fine.” But, if I really get quiet and reflective with myself about what’s really going on and my response to it, I could say, “I'm nervous and tired because I'm traveling in Iceland, but I’m also energized because I really love talking about this stuff.” All of a sudden, I've noticed that my emotional room, if you will, is much bigger than just, “Oh, I'm fine.” Instead, I'm all these things. I can be up and down at the same time; our emotions are layered and varied. Imagine if a whole organization worked like that, then people would understand themselves and each other so much better. It really diffuses the possibility of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

THECANCAN.COM: Do you have a go-to piece of advice or guidance that can help kickstart someone's mental health journey?

Deborah Friend Wilson: As individuals and organizations, we need to listen more. We need to spend less time rehearsing what we're going say in our own heads and, instead, spend more time standing in the shoes of the other people around us. The less we live in self-centered fear, the more we are connected and compassionate to others.

Here I am in Iceland, and I think Americans in general and as a culture should move toward a less selfish and more humble-focused way of existing. Learning how to listen to each other is a huge part of that. If somebody comes to you with a problem, instead of giving advice, just listen. People really just want to know that you heard them.

It can be so impactful to say back to somebody, “I hear you. It sounds like you're feeling sad. It sounds like you don't know what to do right now. It sounds like you're lost.” Those kinds of active listening, affirming responses are so much more impactful in the long run than saying, “You should just be happier. You should buck up.” Listening more, saying less, and leading with love and compassion will be what ultimately leads us in the right direction.

Follow along with Deborah’s consulting journey at her Instagram, @dfwconsulting. Need some self-care of your own? Treat yourself to an evening of endless joy and the freedom to be - tickets for Can Can’s upcoming tropical western musical, Crimson and Clover, now available at tickets.thecancan.com.